Friday, 14 November 2014

Green Tea/Just A Thought/ Happy Children's Day/ P.S. I Miss You Old Geezer!!

What can't a morning cup of green tea fix? Its filled with anti-oxidants and help you become more youthful and energetic. Like they show in the Tetley ad, where Kareena Kapoor says, "inside wala snaan". For some it might just be a cup of cutting chai or black coffee or a full fat latte, a glass of juice packed with vitamins or even a healthy morning walk (ROFL, i'm a morning person.... NOT)!! There are endless choices for one to pick from in today's world.
Just a thought though, Christmas is just round the corner. So what do you want to do this Christmas?

2014 has come and gone so fast that in midst of lifey situations i had forgotten to follow all of my resolutions. I may not have forgotten them but i certainly did underestimate all of my will power and dragged myself into being just the opposite of what i had in mind (this is the time when i bang my head against the wall and say "why you bum.. why??", of course, no nobody else is allowed to say that except me..  just getting it out there you know!)

I wanted to get fit, travel/explore more, learn a new language, do some social work (volunteering), grow out my hair (ended up cutting it), get a driver's license..girls, laughing won't do us any good (we need to get this one thing done, if you haven't already) and guys, honestly, every guy friend i have think girls can't drive. Well, considering a live incident, when me and my boyfriend were crossing the road, a female driver ran her car over the divider, onto a one way street going into the opposite direction just to take a right turn, probably 10-15 steps away from me, right in front of my eyes, i'm not too sure myself. May be she was in a hurry to get home but, all the more i look at this, all the more reasons convince me into believing that she might have panicked just a tad bit. Well, there we were looking at each other, he smiled at me and said, "see, that's why i say girls can't drive!!". It was fucking hilarious. I was spell bound obviously but there was nothing i could do.

I would say i don't know much about this whole female/male : "who's a superior driver" thing and may be guys are right or may be not (i call this pride), but i do know that nobody taught me how to drive.
Hence i can't drive.
That's that.
Problem solved!
Call me a diplomate, until i learn driving myself. Will be glad to prove you wrong.
Until than i will be rolling on the floor....
laughing ....(Totally contradicting myself, when i said laughing wont do us no good, tbh, laughing is great for health)..
Provided if u are laughing of course..
Hmmm, no, i am gonna laugh anyway.. don't mind me, i'm only here to laugh and blabber and try to make sense out of things.

Moving on, this year i celebrated my 22nd birthday. The moment i blew those candles, a sudden realization came to me. I realized that i wasn't a child anymore. You know, no more free tickets for children below 5. No more going into a bar and drinking below legal age. No more "i'm still a child, i can't vote. Rather i don't know whom to vote". Suddenly there is this  greater need of being more aware of things around you. No more, "mama, stop over-pouring me with all these responsibilities", and above all no more torturing the teachers into organizing children's day when we didn't have any classes, when they danced and sang just for us.

14th November is here already, so, HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY!!! I remember the first children's day i had in DPS. I was in 5th standard. It is, by far, probably the best children's day i ever got to experience. I remember this particular day not only because it is a day worth remembering but also because on this day, i had lost somebody really dear and close to me.

My grandpa was living his last moments when i was at school. I wish somebody would have told me, but yet, they all decided to keep quiet until i got home. There i was having the time of my life when he was on his death bed, counting seconds, re-living memories that once made him laugh and cry and rejoice. Knowing that he lived his life to the best of his abilities. Knowing that there were people who were going to miss him and his presence. When i finally got to know, he was already gone.

My grandpa made my childhood special. He'd climb trees to pick out fruits i loved. He'd fish for me and teach me how to fish. He'd puff onto his cigarette and let me play video games on the telly. He'd let me watch Dragon Ball Z, sacrificing what he loved watching. He'd eat the food i'd make for him when i first learned cooking without complaining once. He'd cut down one tree and plant 5 more. He'd teach me how to ride a bicycle even though i kept failing him. He'd hold my hand and teach me which side to walk on while waking on roads without pavements. He'd teach me how to color on coloring books, he'd say, " first color the boundaries and then color the insides. This will help you make sure you don't spill anything out by mistake". I only saw him few times a year. Somedays we'd go visit him, which was mostly when i had summer or winter vacations and somedays he'd come live with us. Those few limited days i had with him, seems like a lifetime now. He gave me life lessons i will never never forget. Not only his love for me but his love for children was so immense that he even built a school for children who couldn't afford a lot of money. He gave me the perfect example of living a humble life, to be perfectly happy with what we have and the phrase that rightfully says, "less is more".

I might have been small to realize this than but now i realize. I realize that, nothing in this world is permanent. Nothing can be kept forever because nothing is your own. Nothing can be given or taken. Nothing can be made or destroyed. Somethings are not under our control. We are all a part of a phenomena and we exist in this vast universe, living different lives, in different parallel worlds, in different dimensions. We are born into families we call our own. We make bonds and connections with people we are naturally attracted to. We grow fond of them, we forget some and hold onto some and yet in the midst of living this journey, we only know the value of what we have until its suddenly gone.

Do we value people enough? Do we give them the love they deserve? Are we living a life worth re-living? If you could turn back time, what do you think you could have done better? Are you hard to forget in the eyes of others? Are you proud of yourself and others?

Children's day for me is a day i ponder upon reflecting the life i've lived, reminiscing about my childhood days, my teenage days into adulthood. Its a day i miss my grandpa and smile upon the life, the special bond we shared.

If you're still below 21, go on, live your to the best of your abilities and if you're above 21, remember you can still be a child and mess things up around the house and finally, if you have an imaginary feelings wheel and you are looking to color on 'happiness' and 'fulfillment', i'd suggest you to start with the orphanages. Do something you'd feel glad to look back and reflect upon in 2015. Make memories, make friends, make love, rejoice this journey we call life.

P.S. Grandpa (my old geezer), i hope we had more of 'us' time together, i miss you and i hope you know that. I love you and always will. I hope you are proud of me even though i've failed you countless times. I hope you always shelter the people i love and care about under your protective wings. I hope u have found peace. I hope there isn't any more suffering where you're at. I hope to see you standing in the bright daylight at the other end of this tunnel . Where ever you are i hope to see you again. I hope they remember you today at the school you once built. I hope you know you are unforgettable in my eyes. 

Monday, 13 October 2014

Starting a new chapter : Gokarna

A beautiful sea view from hill top

The road to self discovery is a journey. A journey to be taken alone or together with the people you love. The more i grow older the more i realize that this journey is full of surprises, lot of happiness climbing the uphill battle and a feeling of fear and anguish rolling and sliding downhill. If i could find a souvenir for memory just to prove the world that i was there, then trust me i would keep one for every step of the way.

The rocks, the hill, the sea, the sun

You must consider yourself lucky to have the kind of people in your life who show you the right path to walk on, who make the journey with you, who overlook all your flaws and never leave you hanging half way, without whom you would consider yourself lost and the reason behind the radiate smile you carry with you whenever you are around them. I'm blessed with some amazing friends. They are the kind of people who without a doubt are not only worth all the effort, but they are like my family. I consider my self to be blessed because the love of my life also happens to be my best friend.

My love, my best friend 

The Trio: Wanderlust

All of us at some point of time have gotten lost on the way. Some see the sun, some see the smoke, some seek happiness and some search for gold, nonetheless we keep going on. You see the sky change its color as it crosses over from the drowning moon to the rising sun.  You carry your world around like a passenger riding on the front seat of a roller coaster. You start off feeling excited and scared. There are times you are on the verge of exploding with teary eyes midway, but at the end of it all you smile deliberately, without pretense, feeling so much lighter, so much happier, so much relieved, so much so that you'd want to ride it again just to feel the thrill of it all over again.

Shore of Starfish

I made a journey. A journey that changed a whole lot of me. Gokarna taught me that the serenity and simplicity always existed in this world full of chaos. There was no need to get my head muddled. I had everything i ever wanted. There was the sand, there was the sea. There were shells, there were waves. Just to walk on the beach with my naked feet, just to see the birds hovering above and fly towards the horizon, viewing the sun go down from the sandy shores, the feeling of almost being able to hold it in my hands. The sand, the sea, the shells, the waves taught me that maybe you get what you wanted, maybe you stumble upon it, maybe you'll know when you see it, and when you find it, you keep it. In a permanent state.

The rolling hills that backdropped the drowning sun

If life was an atlas, and i could leave my mark, then i'd leave my footprints behind imprinted on the sand. If life was an atlas, then i was in the right place at the right time. I'm glad to have made this journey. This was the starting of a new chapter. A chapter life will help me write. 

Friday, 19 September 2014

Flesh and Bones

The dark sublimed by the illuminating moon
Sooner or later there will be dawn
The birds will fly in flocks towards the light
The warmth of the sunlight will beam through their hollow bones
Sooner or later winter will pass

Tired bodies fall down on the ground
The heat of the body cooled down by the cold earth beneath you
Ignite your soul stealthily, don't haste
Unleash the light, the warmth within your heart
Feel what you have never felt before

May be you've felt it more than i can assume
But just as you lie there helpless and tattered
Never never let anybody else pick you up
It doesn't matter how long you stay there down and naked 
It doesn't matter how long you are vulnerable and exposed

Sometimes all that matters in life
Is to pick yourself up, dust yourself up, each time you fall
Let your loved ones hold your hands and wipe your tears
But pick yourself up before anybody else does, 
Its one thing you can do for your own

There is nothing too embarrassing to see or to feel
Don't just become a random photograph in eyes of your own 
Don't repent or seek pity in eyes of others
You're just made of flesh and bones, it will weather
But if forever is even a true of a word, 
Than forever your heart will carry you on.

P.S. Hope you find this song inspiring :)

Friday, 2 May 2014

Loss Of Someone Close: Relationship With Self

This is a real life story of a person who wanted me to be his voice and tell the world his story.
The story starts when he was a mere 10 year old boy studying in 5th std when he was faced with the most difficult turn of events in this life. He says, "I was a small boy back than, in mere 5th std. I was playing with my friends one afternoon, when I was told the most surprising yet in some way, the most dangerous news of my life! After that very day I had to suffer pain for 10 long years of my life and still counting." 

The news that gave him so much pain back then, up until today was that his elder sister had met with an accident and was taken to one of the best private hospitals for treatment in the city (Guwahati). He recalls, "The doctors said that she will be alright after the operation but the operation totally changed her life. A 18 year old girl could not walk anymore. She was living the life of an infant again. She had to depend on others for every single need of hers." He recalls his mother being heartbroken and pain stricken. He was a 10 year old child but despite him being a child, he didn't have a childhood to enjoy. He grew up way too fast and was trying very hard to get accustomed to his new life but every single day was a painful experience for him to see his family suffer. "The people around me did not understand my family's situation." He vividly recalls, "Every day I had to face an array of questions from my friends and neighbors. They kept asking me horrendous questions like, 'how does your sister go to the toilet?', 'how does she take bath?'. There were a lot of questions I didn't like to answer and on many occasions I felt left out and in-understandable."

His family slowly got accustomed to this new life but there came another blow when his sister started to suffer again. Because she was always lying on her bed, she developed wounds on her back. There came a situation when she could not lie down neither could she stand up nor could she sit down properly. His mother and his sister took tours to the hospital more often and spent almost 2 and a half years in the hospital. He says "Back then, I was living with my father at home and since I rarely saw them, I missed them so very much".

Amidst the pain and suffering, days passed him by. He was stepping into adulthood now, probably a 17 years old teenager just passing out of college. Long before he knew it, he had to face the death of his sister. Just two months later he also loses his father. He says, "Even now I can feel the pain I had felt before, even now I suffer the same way I suffered. All that my life has taught me, up until now is that, there is a very close relationship between me a sadness, between me and tragedy. Someone close to me is always suffering. So I think that maybe every single relationship only brings sadness to our lives".

I do not have a moral from this story as I am in a situation where I am nobody to judge. All I can think of now after hearing his story is that he has truly been a brave person. Seeing somebody close to you suffer is the biggest pain a person can endure but living through it tests the person's capability to live life and helplessly smile when you must. Life can be depressing but on many occasions one can perk up. Many people at this very moment may be going through a lot of pain and suffering. All I can say is please smile. Regardless of any situation, please take a moment to hold your head high and smile because you my friend have been brave and up until now whatever the situation and consequences, you have survived. To think that, "every single relationship only brings sadness to our lives" is rightfully wrong because you my friend have shared a very fruitful relationship with yourself. The way you fell and brought yourself back up again is in itself a commendable thing to do. When nobody was around to support you and understand you, you understood yourself the best. When you thought you could only cry, you have smiled. You have helped yourself become the person you are. So despite the wrongs, the odds, the falls please smile because you have lived through it all to tell me your story as it involves a lot of courage and risks to be completely honest and have a real conversation with somebody. Although I struggled with the post title, I am honored because you made me a part of it. So thank you! 

Friday, 4 April 2014


There are times when I sit silently in front of my laptop unable to write, unable to deliberate. Sometimes my thoughts just seem so tangled within one another like a variable mass of ideas and believes. I think about one and another follows but then they never seem to make sense when put all together. 

As I look back now and think about the word selfless, I have never seen anybody being selfless to be honest. My mother was selfless but then again all of our mothers are. Besides her I can't recall one single person being selfless. May be I grew up in a selfish society. Come to think of it now, I really think I must have grown up in a selfish society. I think its true because one thing that I have always experienced is when you are constantly surrounded by the same kind of people, attitude, environment and you don't seem to like any of it, all you want to do is make a change and be different. As a kid my idol was Mother Teresa. My mother knew that so she'd get me books on her and I'd seldom read in the library during my school days. 

I remember an incident very clearly. It was one of those jamming days in school. I was in my school's first ever rock band and I was a happy person because I was doing the things that I loved at that time. 
I had this diary I'd carry around. On it I had written a few songs and some guitar chords. I basically wrote down everything I could or felt like besides the songs and the chords. One day some of my class mates were going through my diary, as it could be so easily taken out of my bag. I had gone out for a bit during the recess and came back and found them laughing. I went and asked them "why are you all laughing?" in a very jovial manner as they were my friends and I always felt the need to be included. One of them told me "Kako, your idol is Mother Teresa?" I said yes but asked them "why?" They laughed at me again and told me that I seemed old fashioned.  Let me ask this to you all, it is bad to have an idol like Mother Teresa as a teenager and not some famous actor, singer, player?? Seeing them laugh hurt me more that day because they were my friends and friends are supposed to have each others backs, not go about laughing at each others likes and dislikes...

Today as I have grown up to be what I am it is not only ironical but people think its hard to believe because I am not the person I was surrounded by or grew up with. I am a completely different me. It was long before I noticed it myself when people thought I was kind and hence weak. I don't believe its even just to say that if a person is kind and loves to share the love, he or she is weak from within or is looking for love in return. Now that I look back, I see my self with a kind of innocence that perhaps at that point of time I think was only natural. No child is born selfish, or kind. A baby is just a mass of bones, muscles and blood. They with their fresh mind soak in whatever is being fed. Teach a child to be bad and selfish they will be, teach them to love and share and they will. No body taught me how to be selfless or selfish or how to live my life to be honest. I just gradually grew and found out on my own. My mother used to tell me as kid to love and share but she also warned me to defend my self when there was a need because when people know you are kind to them they automatically feel like you can be taken advantage of. I don't know why but she constantly felt the need to tell me to be strong otherwise the world could break me. Just because I didn't believe her as a child and constantly believed everyone to be just the same as I was, kind, smiling, cheerful, non-judgemental, accepting people the way they were, trustworthy, easy to talk to and always there to help someone in need, I have been broken down on many occasions. So to say I learned it the hard way. It wasn't long when I had found out there were some nasty people in this world who were more selfish then a cat to be honest. And I'm not saying that cats are bad. Yes they seem adorable to many but deep within them it is so clear that they are mysterious and dark. 

Sometimes when I ponder on being selfless I wonder how rich are you really because to me being selfless is a wealth. You are a wealthy person if u have the love and smiles and blessings of many in your heart. The thing you don't have to worry is "will I get the same love in return" because in you heart you are satisfied, you are happy, ever ready to help. Being monetarily rich with no friends and family to love and care for, no people to call you up and talk to, no one to remember you and you remember of, is the last thing that i'd ever want to experience as an old person siting on a mansion of my own, materialistically having all the things I could possibly think of having but no one in this world to share it with. I would't want to adopt a dog just so he'd keep me company beside the fire, during the last cold winter days of my life. I want to be able to hold someone's hand and share what is within me. I want to be able to be sure that I have fulfilled what my heart desired to fulfill and what I wanted to accomplish in this life time (one of them being selfless) just so I could die peacefully without a shadow of doubt.

I saw this video today and it got me so motivated to write. I was literally crying towards the end. It got me so inclined to be selfless all over again. To be completely honest with you right now "YOU" are just a screen in front of me and to you I'd like to write as if nobody is watching. To you I'd like to say that I don't want to change one bit of me because I worked really hard to become what I am today and will go on working hard, whether its likable or not. I only reason with myself on one thing that is will I ever be able to change the heart of somebody today into being a better person? Because I trust that, the joy it will bring, you cannot capture it by a mere camera alone. It can be only captured by your eyes, framed by your heart and kept to cherish forever it in your mind.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Viva la revolución : A PLEDGE TO VOTE

Did you know that the General elections to the first Lok Sabha of Independent India was held in the year 1951 and the polling station for this first general elections ever, was set up at Kalpa in Kinnaur district of Himachal Pradesh? 

Meet Mr. Shyam Negi, who retired as a government primary school teacher in 1975. He has fathered 10 children and is now 97 years old. Mr. Negi is the first voter of independent India and presently the oldest voter alive. Mr. Negi in this video says, "Today is a very special day, an opportunity to do a great work. In those days, there was a lot of heavy snowfall and here in the cold weather, the roads got closed early. That is why our turn came 6 months before any other state. Even today I can recall, that happiness, that feeling of pride which I had felt that very day. Whether it is snowing or raining, I fulfill my duty every single time and even today I feel the same happiness and pride, I had felt before." 

Mr. Negi, he doesn't need glasses but is hard of hearing. He is an old man and even so he walks to the polling station every single time to vote. By far he has voted 15 times for the Lok Sabha and 11 times for the Vidhan Sabha elections.

Seeing a person like him makes me question. It makes me question about us, the first generation Indian voters, are we playing our part? Are we taking up the responsibility of making this nation strong and united?
We all know that most of us have already lost hope in India. Many of us feel like nothing can be done. Many of us sit at home on the voting day with the "India ka kuch nahi ho sakta" attitude and bawl about how badly India is degrading. We try and count the number of uncountable murders and rapes taking place in various parts of our country and complain about how these murderers and rapists are not put into trial. We loath the Indian police for failing to take responsibility and stand as the voice and protector of the innocent. We feel helpless looking at the powerful who like to gamble with the lives of the underprivileged. We seldom feel like a sheep, our hands and legs tied up with an iron chain, being muted by the throat and a butcher slaying us slowly, one tiny stoke at a time. Each day we bleed, pain stricken and voiceless, our hearts full of fear and misery. We are slowly dying and the only solution we come up with is to get out of this country as soon as we can to live a better life, in search for a voice and the democracy we have been denied. 

They say, India is the largest democracy in the world and that the Constitution of India is the longest constitution in the world. It proclaims to be a sovereign, democratic and republic but being a first generation voter myself, whatever happened to these proclamations I wonder.

Nothing can be done to this country...So why should we vote, you ask?? 

Well, today I'm not only talking about my views and opinions but I'm also backing myself up with some facts. I request you to understand that if we do not step up today, tomorrow will be too late to take action. 

According to the Association for Democratic Reform (ADR), India the following facts have surfaced: 

In this diagram we are able to see that in the Lok Sabha there are a total of 543 MPs out of which 162 MPs have pending criminal cases against them. That makes about 30% of MPs corrupt in the Indian parliament.
In this diagram we are able to see that in the Vidhan Sabha or the State assemblies, out of 4032 MLAs about 1264 have pending criminal cases against them. That makes about 31% MLAs corrupt in the state assemblies.
Now you might probably wonder if these criminals who decide the way we should live our lives have been punished or not. My friend, the answer is NO. All these criminals who are given the utmost right of making laws in this country, who are chosen to bring justice in India are themselves criminals in the eyes of justice. They have not only violated some major rules and regulations of this country but also have done some serious offenses like: 

The shock and the irony of it all is that these criminals who are charged with all of the above mentioned serious offenses only have mere charges framed against them but no FIR have been registered in their name. Now you can imagine if this is the state of Indian government and the law makers of this country are the corrupted ones themselves than how can the normal people looking for justice ever get justice?                                            

Be the voice!!

I remember as a child I used to read in the books that India is a developing country. 21 years of my life has gone by but even now India is still developing. The Gross National Income of India is 4.749 trillion PPP dollars and out of 180 countries in the world India ranks 53 from below. During election time we complain about the corrupted using their money power to buy votes through their vote banks. They promise to give mobile phones, refrigerator, color tv, washing machines. Hell! they even go to the extent of paying off all the bills of an household in order to get their votes. They normally target the poor underprivileged parts of our society. Another fact, according to the World Bank, about 32.7% of India population fall below poverty line of US$ 1.25 ( i.e. 75.01 INR) per day while 68.7% live on less than US$ 2 (120.01 INR) per day. 

Facts like these are insane and makes me wonder that if these leaders are actually gaining from and taking advantage of the poorer groups of the society by forcefully taking away their fundamental rights then why on earth would they ever think of developing these parts of the society? People being poor is an advantage to them so they can mute their voices and take away their most basic fundamental right through money power!

Change cannot be bought at once, change is a gradual process. If you want to change the system than be the system. Be the voice and make a change. Make people aware, organize campaigns, impart free education and awareness to the less fortunate sectors of India. To the children, to the youth and to the old. When we are aware, we can make others aware. I know its not an easy affair but it is definitely possible. If only 1 person out of 10 vote, than how can we expect a change?? Is it even logical?? If 10 out of 10 people vote than we can ignite a tiny spark. Another 10 people's vote will ignite another tiny spark and slowly, if each and every one of us make our voices heard we will create a fire. A fire of change. 

Is it understandable now? How much one vote is worth? How much of a difference one vote can make? How much potential we have as voters to make a change in the Indian map? Elections are approaching, there is an immense stress on the importance of choosing the correct leaders. Please let us pledge to vote friends, its now or never. If you've ever watched the movie V for Vendetta you'll understand this: "Isn't it that beneath this wrinkled well-fed exterior there lies a dangerous killing machine, with a fetish for Fawkesian mask, viva la revolución!"

Be the change. Make the change. Vote.

Monday, 31 March 2014


  We seem so afraid,
To do the things we never tried.
Trapped in a small cage,
Conquered by lust, lured by faith,
We move back and forth,
To a grey square box we call life.

Each new day a candle dies,
Like breath taken away from our lives.
We become so petrified of a feeling,
A feeling so undeniable.
Our very existence is questionable,
A mere dewdrop they say,

And yes a prayer put across in reverence,
in tongues with the Lord, and then we stay.
Concealed by a mask so brave, 
A man full of misguided disguise,
In a heart so cowardly,
In a corner so cold.

We are stoned, dead inside,
Infested by fear so deep,
that our souls tremble and quiver,
we stealthily bleed : a silent lamb
A long, cold, slow, death,
and a breath is taken away.

We live but never dare,
To face our planned destiny unmoved by prayers.
Something like life, a gift, a journey,
Something that cant be replaced, but remembered
Something like us, we're born,we die.. 
But what happens in between??
Wont you live it but once!

Wednesday, 26 March 2014


Someday, some sweet winter day
I'll unwillingly pass away
I'll have nothing much to say
I'll unwillingly fade away.

Leaving the memories of you and I, within your mind
And if you seek inside would you find?
Would you see the way I used to smile?
Although we'll be separated by thousand miles.

For you life would be hard, I know plainly
Your mind would be beaming with curiousity
Your heart would be crying stealthily
And in littlest things you'll remember my courtesy.

You'd remember the times we shared 
Miss my love, miss the way I cared
At times you'd feel the presence of me
Remember my face and feel lonely

Would you remember the way, I used to say, 
The words of love to keep you near?
The way I used to look into your eyes and lay 
Rest my head on your shoulder when I feared

Will you glimpse my reflection in the mirrors?
And bind my images into your memory
Would you perceive me in your dreams?
And the moments we lingered around joyfully 

Sometimes I wonder 
If I could find a way to stay with you forever
And never leave you alone in this broken world
But dearest, somethings just happen untold.   

Nothing can be more daunting than the fear of losing a loved one but dearest, love is eternal and it will remain forever like a burning ray of hope over the rainbow.. It will remain forever following you where ever you go, like the brightest star shining in the clear dark sky... Won't you believe me..? Won't you believe in love..?? 

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Habits - The Good and Bad in Me

Habits are hard to break. I remember as a child I always slept with my belly down and back up. I'd hold on to my pillow from underneath it with my left hand and turn my head towards the right. I usually slept with my face facing, total emptiness or a wall. Somehow, it gave me a sense of "Peace" and "Freedom of Sleep", so I could make as many or as little expressions I wanted, unknowingly as I slept (a funny concept). If somebody would sleep next to me I generally wouldn't face that way. I have felt this exact same way over all the past years growing up and continue with the same routine every night and feel no less different. When morning came, the first thing I'd do is to get up and go straight to the mirror and comb my hair. I'd throw an usual "it's a new day" smile at the mirror and it reflected right back at me. I was always happy. I loved (still love) sleeping late, to be honest, I'm not a morning person at all. Came Sundays, I'd sleep my ass off but until weekends (my glory days) came, mum always patrolled me and made sure I get up by 6 a.m. every morning.  Some days when i was reluctant to obey her morning call, she'd purposely switch off the darn fan and in the hot summer days, I had no option but to get the hell up!! I have a typical Asian family and what I mean by this is regardless of the weather, whether there was a hailstorm outside or raining cats and dogs or crazy hot, I had to go to school. Period. As a kid, my Mum dropped me off to the bus stop every morning. In 7th grade I won the "Cent Percent Attendance Award". It was an achievement for being present every single day of Academic year 2005-2006 (Holy cow!! how did I manage to do that when now I bunk at least one class everyday!!). Come to think of it, my mum has always been my rock and even though I hated being forcefully dragged to school, she always wanted the best for me.

I remember when we were toddlers in kinder garden they'd ask us to write cursive writing on those one of a kind thin booklets with a pencil. We had to make sure that every letter was written exactly the same way as the top most example sentence. Soon when I went to middle school I was so glad because we were introduced to write with a pen.. (oh the joy of being a kid..!!). Writing with a pen was a tremendous deal for me. I would ask my mum or dad to take me to the stationary shop at least twice a week so I could buy a pen of my choice. I had this crazy collection of Chinese "Wing Sung" fountain pens. I had them of different nip variants and colors. The white ones were the prettiest . The unusual thing about writing with a pen was, I'd normally put the cap of the pen on top of the pen and start writing. It was pretty unusual because the other kids in my class and my friends, everybody I knew but a very few wrote the way I wrote. Surprisingly, I still write the same way as before and when I'm questioned I simply say "That's just my Thang!!" with a smile. Also, I am very sure only a few people go haywire and totally nuts, when they walk into the stationary store (Staples/Crossword/Landmark) and I'm sure a very few kids would choose a pen over a bag of chips or chocolate. Poor me, not just any other shopaholic but a 'stationary' one. I guess its nothing to be ashamed of..? Don't judge me right away guys, needless to say, like every other girl even I love dressing up and going crazy over clothes and accessories and I hate meeting people when I'm not properly dressed. Not even God could change that (lol).

I've always had bad habits and gradually I have come to tame them. You see, I have always been healthy all my life. What I mean by that is as a kid I was one of those who fell in the chubby lot. While growing up, all through school years, even though I was eating a lot I kept myself (well somewhat) fit by playing a lot of sports amongst which basket ball, taekwondo  and badminton were my favorite. Me and my team mates would stay back after school and practice everyday. Some days I had taekwondo classes even at night, in a local stadium, where my teacher taught us all together. My teacher was very dear to me. He was the one who taught me "Kako, learn to say no!". Nonetheless, I'd go back home and gulp  2000 cal, or more, there was no problem. Dog days were soon over when I was officially done with school and I stopped playing all the sports. Things were not the same. It took me a while to understand that I couldn't eat as much as I wanted any more. I couldn't throw my temper tantrums by impulsive eating anymore. To be honest, I am a very moody person and when I'm angry or sad, it doesn't take me too long to step out of my house with my messy hair and PJ's and get myself a whole box pizza or fling a burger or two or drink a liter of coke, all on my own. Needless to say, food is one of my favorite things in the world. So, just to avoid that (impulsive eating), it takes me a lot of patience and self understanding, self consoling and "is it all worth it?" pointers to bring me back down to my normal state. If I'm at home I either go off to sleep or take a soothing bath and if I'm out, I just walk away from the scene causing my disruptive emotions. That's probably the easiest thing to do and it works for me. I calm my self down with a cup of green tea and soon I'm back to normal. I know I can't break my bad habits but I sure try and prevent myself from situations that might lead them to occur. The same goes for people turning to alcohol for comfort rather than food. In my opinion, obsessions are bad habits and can be very dangerous. Have an obsession only if you know how to control it. The problem is, most of the time, obsession controls you rather than you controlling it. 

Over the years I have come to realize that people surrounding a person definitely, a cent percent,  contribute in the habit making process of that person. If you have been through rough times growing up like me, if you've had bad times in the family or school, if you didn't get along very well with your friends in your teens, you've been through bad break ups in the past and have seen constant hardships, whatever the reason is, we probably share this same 'impulsive eating disorder' as they fancily say. We are sensitive to situations and fragile on the inside but tough on the outside. To be honest, I think we are the most understanding people on earth. We can relate to other people, understand their nature and are sometimes judgmental but that's just for our own sake and now that we are what we are, I'm sure most of us are likable and trustworthy. That's just us, as much as the world tried to pull us down we continued to stand back up again. There is a reason why we are alive and that reason is solely us. So, be proud of being you. Say thanks to those people who meant you harm, that you stand like an unshakable concrete wall against them unbreakable and strong.

I truly believe, the day you'll start living out of intention rather than habit will be the day you'll truly be happy. As for my good habits are concerned I wouldn't change a thing (haha) and my bad habits, I'm only concerned with preventing them for occurring. So carry on with your good attributes and work on your bad ones. Choose and intent to be a better person everyday not just for the people who matter but most importantly for YOU. This is the way I see life and these are the good and bad in
me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Monday, 24 March 2014


She was born,
Wrapped in a grey veil.
She arrived, beyond any anticipation,
They wiped her mother's blood off of her naked body,
That endless night, stars shone and constellations fell into place.
Smoke stealthily hazed her vision,
From a never ending cigarette her kin had lit. 
That was supposed to be an endless night.
No flowers fell down the sky, but dying autumn leaves and cold, cold breeze. 
Sleeping silently, in her mother's warm arms she lay.  

The time came right, 
Her mother abandoned her impassively.
Left her alone, along with the helpless lot.
She was just a month old.  
A baby girl they said, was beautiful and bright. 
What could she do, did she even know?? 
How to smile, how to cry, how to eat, how to speak??
She could barely crawl. 
Time passed by, an orphanage had her.
She was only 12 years old. 

She made friends, she learned to smile,
She worked hard and slept when she could. 
Nobody saw her yet she was seen. 
She taught herself how to read 
She knew she could make it big
As tears ran down her olive skin
She heard the voices in head scream.
No, it wasn't a scream, it was a screech,
Screeching silently her obscure, torn apart heart
Still managed to radiate an undying smile,
She still bore an ever lasting flame.

Buried deep within her heart she hoped,
Blood ran down her veins she dared,
Dying yet breathing her beating heart, she ran,
She ran as far as the eyes could see and beyond,
Beyond the fallen snowflakes and mist.
She promised to herself that she'd run,
She'd run until her heart stopped beating.
The girl, i knew was a caterpillar back than,
The girl i know now is a butterfly, she flew,
She still flies..
She'll forever fly..

This was one of my humble attempts to write a poem. As you can see I'm not very good at it. Back at school I used to write a lot of poems but I never showed them to anybody. Last winter when I went home I was really happy and surprised when my mother showed me all the poems and stuff I had written. She had collected and saved them up in a bundle. It was an emotional moment. 
To a mother her child is her everything and vice versa. Every little thing.. his/her clothes, books,10th and 12th grade school farewell shirts with his/her friends autograph on it.. Every big or little thing of her child is of value to her. I simply hope and pray that not under any circumstance, a child is ever abandoned. I wish that every child gets all the love that he/she deserves.

Sunday, 23 March 2014


Like many others one day while pinning on Pinterest,  this word popped up in my Pinterest feed. I was actually looking to re-pin some good quotes. When this one word 'Sophrosyne' popped up. I loved the way it sounded (didn't know quotes could be of one word). Now, because I am a curious soul and my mind gets attracted to new words like magnet, I simply, most definitely had to dig this word up a little further. I googled it up and instantly fell in love with the meaning.

Wikipedia defines Sophrosyne (Greek: σωφροσύνη) as a Greek philosophical term etymologically meaning healthy-mindedness and from there self-control or moderation guided by knowledge and balance and a deep awareness of one's true self resulting in true happiness.

Sophrosyne was a Greek goddess. She was the spirit of moderation, self-control, temperance, restraint, and discretion. She was considered to be one of the good spirits that escaped Pandora's box. Pandora's box was actually a box given to Pandora (the first human woman created by Gods), which contained all the evil of the world.
I never thought anything good could ever come out of something like that but truly, always expect the unexpected. Thank you the world of internet for teaching me everything I need to know, regardless to say expect to learn something from everything.

Moderation is not one of my strong suits. I hate to admit but sometimes I get obsessed. I am so full of energy, good vibes and everything positive in the beginning but slowly I start to sail away to a direct direction. I loose interest as fast as I gain it. In no time something new is too old for me. There are a very few things in life I have actually stuck with, up until now and those things are very dear to me. No way in hell I could actually stick to something my heart restraints me from. Its just unnatural. I can't resist something new, I will go to the extremes, but I just cannot hold on to it if my heart says no, simple as that. I guess I need to moderate my life a little. Too much of a good thing in small amounts is good. If you have too much of a good thing, something pleasant becomes unpleasant because you have too much of it, like chocolates. Therefore, moderation is the word of the hour. The problem is moderation works for only a few people and I don't really know if it's going to work for me. I'm not sure if there are flaws. Just different ways of thinking, living, processing, and reacting. All in moderation. I might as well choose to just go with it.

Talking about choosing, making choices is not really my strong suit either. I am indecisive, sometimes paradoxical and hasty when it comes to making decisions. Knowing my weaknesses actually makes me take the right decisions. Needless to say I have plenty of wrong decisions in the bag already but now that I know how I am, I tell myself over and over again 'no hasting and be determined'. I question myself uncountable times and before saying anything I should or shouldn't, I take my time.

Frankly speaking I hate long never ending narratives/articles on How-tos (how to be happy, how to make the right decisions.. blah..blah..) because at the end of the day realization has to come from within. If you want to be happy you’ll find ways to make yourself happy. If you want to make the right decisions you’ll listen to yourself more than you listen to others, because your heart wants what it wants, can’t cheat it by overlapping and over-pouring it with millions of ifs and buts, could haves and would haves. 

"Sophrosyne" I have a feeling, that, I will never ever forget this word just because "happiness" carries a deep and true meaning for me in my life and I am on a mission in pursuit of true happiness.. and as for achieving Sophrosyne, I guess first step is to start with a healthy mind and gradually working towards a healthy body (because I'm a lazy bum and love eating and sleeping like a starfish, as my friend used to say and so I love her and miss her. Even though we are apart I feel like we are on the the same boat, sharing the same journey, heading toward the same place just separated by an opaque wall, its a perplexing yet a beautiful relationship.)


Tuesday, 11 March 2014

A Lesson Learned

When i was in my 7th or 8th grade i was given a task of saying the morning 'thought of the day' for my school assembly.. The previous day i was running around frantic, trying to search a good thought so i looked awesome as i say it (lol)!!... School was real fun. Everyone wanted to look awesome, everyone wanted to be better than the other, there was a sense of competition...!! I tried searching the newspapers..I got none... I went through books and everything else, i got none that compelled me. In the heat of the moment i almost overlooked a book my mum bought me some years back.. She knew I had a knack for reading, but something short that didn't over saturate me, something that wasn't arid.. So she bought me something called 'The Book of Quotations by Oxford' from a bookseller who came to sell at my house. See, book sellers at that time, mostly when i was growing up, used to come by our houses to sell books.. The companies would send their representatives to make sales from one household to the other... So one fine day my mom brought me one... I tell you I was enchanted!!  
The extremity of my love for this book is so much that I carried it with me when I moved to a different city and I still fancy reading it from time to time. So anyway, I went through the book and I got a quote by Mother Teresa.. It was short but it had so much meaning to it that I knew I had to say it. Mother Teresa said 'do small things with great love'. I'd say about 60 percent of the people in that assembly may not have even paid attention to what I said that day, but for me it was a huge thing, speaking up in front of everyone and so I remember that phrase very clearly and even now I live by it..  
Amidst 'living by it', there were times when I had forgotten the value of this phrase, for example, there are some people who like to be thanked.. not only for their hard work but for something as little as, giving food to a beggar. I was one of them but not anymore.. I'll tell you why, I was at a church on a Sunday morning and normally many beggars accumulate there because Sunday mornings a huge number of people come for their morning prayer and many beggars get food to eat.. So, I was there and I gave food to a beggar. I was surprised when he didn't return a smile back at me or say thank you. I felt bad, because there I was helping him and he didn't appreciate me for what I did.. That day I got back home and thought about it. I even discussed it with my friends... After some thinking I actually realized, while other people are in need of basic amenities like food selfish people like us are in need of appreciation. I don't necessarily have to get appreciated for helping someone who needs help. God knows what they go through each day just to sustain. I was very naive but realization came to me and I realized that doing good should come from the heart and it should be unconditional even if its the smallest thing. From then on, in most of the cases, i do things that i love doing and don't expect anything in return. Besides when you get something good unexpectedly you become twice as happy. 

The reason why i'm telling you all these today is because yesterday i was faced with options. I had got a chance to make some career choices that could make me or break me.. I was actually very happy that i was going to get a job where in i was expected to write not one but many books in partnership with someone else but i didn't take it.. When i talked about my dreams i was belittled saying you could do that later. What you tell yourself everyday will either lift you up or tear you down. If you want it than you want it. Period. You can't let anyone take that away from you. No matter how small or how big your dream, your dreams are your dreams. I have heard people saying, 'my dreams are so small, i can't imagine anyone being a better loser than i am'. That is absolutely non sense.. no seriously, it doesn't make any sense.. People!! small things do make a difference if you do them with love, if you do them unconditionally.

Me and the other person could have mutually benefited but i am really sorry i cannot work with someone who disrespects my dreams. It might be something as small as that but i am sorry i have too big of an ego. Guys, ego is not anyways bad, especially when you have to make decisions for yourself or place your priorities right.. I may be provocative right now but, i took this experience as a lesson learned and it was important for me to share it so other people understand that life is about living your dream not somebody else s'. Don't take it when someone tries to belittle you or distract you or say you should be doing this not that. Not only love but live life unconditionally. 
Do the things that your heart says is right. No questions asked. Sometimes people are manipulative and delusional and i don't mean to disrespect but, be firm enough to say 'no' when you must. Don't let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of yours.