Loss Of Someone Close: Relationship With Self

This is a real life story of a person who wanted me to be his voice and tell the world his story.

The story starts when he was a mere 10 year old boy studying in 5th std when he was faced with the most difficult turn of events in this life. He says, "I was a small boy back than, in mere 5th std. I was playing with my friends one afternoon, when I was told the most surprising yet in some way, the most dangerous news of my life! After that very day I had to suffer pain for 10 long years of my life and still counting." 

The news that gave him so much pain back then, up until today was that his elder sister had met with an accident and was taken to one of the best private hospitals for treatment in the city (Guwahati). He recalls, "The doctors said that she will be alright after the operation but the operation totally changed her life. A 18 year old girl could not walk anymore. She was living the life of an infant again. She had to depend on others for every single need of hers." He recalls his mother being heartbroken and pain stricken. He was a 10 year old child but despite him being a child, he didn't have a childhood to enjoy. He grew up way too fast and was trying very hard to get accustomed to his new life but every single day was a painful experience for him to see his family suffer. "The people around me did not understand my family's situation." He vividly recalls, "Every day I had to face an array of questions from my friends and neighbors. They kept asking me horrendous questions like, 'how does your sister go to the toilet?', 'how does she take bath?'. There were a lot of questions I didn't like to answer and on many occasions I felt left out and in-understandable."

His family slowly got accustomed to this new life but there came another blow when his sister started to suffer again. Because she was always lying on her bed, she developed wounds on her back. There came a situation when she could not lie down neither could she stand up nor could she sit down properly. His mother and his sister took tours to the hospital more often and spent almost 2 and a half years in the hospital. He says "Back then, I was living with my father at home and since I rarely saw them, I missed them so very much".

Amidst the pain and suffering, days passed him by. He was stepping into adulthood now, probably a 17 years old teenager just passing out of college. Long before he knew it, he had to face the death of his sister. Just two months later he also loses his father. He says, "Even now I can feel the pain I had felt before, even now I suffer the same way I suffered. All that my life has taught me, up until now is that, there is a very close relationship between me a sadness, between me and tragedy. Someone close to me is always suffering. So I think that maybe every single relationship only brings sadness to our lives".

I do not have a moral from this story as I am in a situation where I am nobody to judge. All I can think of now after hearing his story is that he has truly been a brave person. Seeing somebody close to you suffer is the biggest pain a person can endure but living through it tests the person's capability to live life and helplessly smile when you must. Life can be depressing but on many occasions one can perk up. Many people at this very moment may be going through a lot of pain and suffering. All I can say is please smile. Regardless of any situation, please take a moment to hold your head high and smile because you my friend have been brave and up until now whatever the situation and consequences, you have survived. To think that, "every single relationship only brings sadness to our lives" is rightfully wrong because you my friend have shared a very fruitful relationship with yourself. The way you fell and brought yourself back up again is in itself a commendable thing to do. When nobody was around to support you and understand you, you understood yourself the best. When you thought you could only cry, you have smiled. You have helped yourself become the person you are. So despite the wrongs, the odds, the falls please smile because you have lived through it all to tell me your story as it involves a lot of courage and risks to be completely honest and have a real conversation with somebody. Although I struggled with the post title, I am honored because you made me a part of it. So thank you! 

HOW WEALTHY YOU REALLY ARE?? : BEING SELFLESS

There are times when I sit silently in front of my laptop unable to write, unable to deliberate. Sometimes my thoughts just seem so tangled within one another like a variable mass of ideas and believes. I think about one and another follows but then they never seem to make sense when put all together. 

As I look back now and think about the word selfless, I have never seen anybody being selfless to be honest. My mother was selfless but then again all of our mothers are. Besides her I can't recall one single person being selfless. May be I grew up in a selfish society. Come to think of it now, I really think I must have grown up in a selfish society. I think its true because one thing that I have always experienced is when you are constantly surrounded by the same kind of people, attitude, environment and you don't seem to like any of it, all you want to do is make a change and be different. As a kid my idol was Mother Teresa. My mother knew that so she'd get me books on her and I'd seldom read in the library during my school days. 

I remember an incident very clearly. It was one of those jamming days in school. I was in my school's first ever rock band and I was a happy person because I was doing the things that I loved at that time. 

I had this diary I'd carry around. On it I had written a few songs and some guitar chords. I basically wrote down everything I could or felt like besides the songs and the chords. One day some of my class mates were going through my diary, as it could be so easily taken out of my bag. I had gone out for a bit during the recess and came back and found them laughing. I went and asked them "why are you all laughing?" in a very jovial manner as they were my friends and I always felt the need to be included. One of them told me "Kako, your idol is Mother Teresa?" I said yes but asked them "why?" They laughed at me again and told me that I seemed old fashioned.  Let me ask this to you all, it is bad to have an idol like Mother Teresa as a teenager and not some famous actor, singer, player?? Seeing them laugh hurt me more that day because they were my friends and friends are supposed to have each others backs, not go about laughing at each others likes and dislikes...

Today as I have grown up to be what I am it is not only ironical but people think its hard to believe because I am not the person I was surrounded by or grew up with. I am a completely different me. It was long before I noticed it myself when people thought I was kind and hence weak. I don't believe its even just to say that if a person is kind and loves to share the love, he or she is weak from within or is looking for love in return. Now that I look back, I see my self with a kind of innocence that perhaps at that point of time I think was only natural. No child is born selfish, or kind. A baby is just a mass of bones, muscles and blood. They with their fresh mind soak in whatever is being fed. Teach a child to be bad and selfish they will be, teach them to love and share and they will. No body taught me how to be selfless or selfish or how to live my life to be honest. I just gradually grew and found out on my own. My mother used to tell me as kid to love and share but she also warned me to defend my self when there was a need because when people know you are kind to them they automatically feel like you can be taken advantage of. I don't know why but she constantly felt the need to tell me to be strong otherwise the world could break me. Just because I didn't believe her as a child and constantly believed everyone to be just the same as I was, kind, smiling, cheerful, non-judgemental, accepting people the way they were, trustworthy, easy to talk to and always there to help someone in need, I have been broken down on many occasions. So to say I learned it the hard way. It wasn't long when I had found out there were some nasty people in this world who were more selfish then a cat to be honest. And I'm not saying that cats are bad. Yes they seem adorable to many but deep within them it is so clear that they are mysterious and dark. 

Sometimes when I ponder on being selfless I wonder how rich are you really because to me being selfless is a wealth. You are a wealthy person if u have the love and smiles and blessings of many in your heart. The thing you don't have to worry is "will I get the same love in return" because in you heart you are satisfied, you are happy, ever ready to help. Being monetarily rich with no friends and family to love and care for, no people to call you up and talk to, no one to remember you and you remember of, is the last thing that i'd ever want to experience as an old person siting on a mansion of my own, materialistically having all the things I could possibly think of having but no one in this world to share it with. I would't want to adopt a dog just so he'd keep me company beside the fire, during the last cold winter days of my life. I want to be able to hold someone's hand and share what is within me. I want to be able to be sure that I have fulfilled what my heart desired to fulfill and what I wanted to accomplish in this life time (one of them being selfless) just so I could die peacefully without a shadow of doubt.

I saw this video today and it got me so motivated to write. I was literally crying towards the end. It got me so inclined to be selfless all over again. To be completely honest with you right now "YOU" are just a screen in front of me and to you I'd like to write as if nobody is watching. To you I'd like to say that I don't want to change one bit of me because I worked really hard to become what I am today and will go on working hard, whether its likable or not. I only reason with myself on one thing that is will I ever be able to change the heart of somebody today into being a better person? Because I trust that, the joy it will bring, you cannot capture it by a mere camera alone. It can be only captured by your eyes, framed by your heart and kept to cherish forever it in your mind.

Viva la revolución : A PLEDGE TO VOTE

Did you know that the General elections to the first Lok Sabha of Independent India was held in the year 1951 and the polling station for this first general elections ever, was set up at Kalpa in Kinnaur district of Himachal Pradesh? 

Meet Mr. Shyam Negi, who retired as a government primary school teacher in 1975. He has fathered 10 children and is now 97 years old. Mr. Negi is the first voter of independent India and presently the oldest voter alive. Mr. Negi in this video says, "Today is a very special day, an opportunity to do a great work. In those days, there was a lot of heavy snowfall and here in the cold weather, the roads got closed early. That is why our turn came 6 months before any other state. Even today I can recall, that happiness, that feeling of pride which I had felt that very day. Whether it is snowing or raining, I fulfill my duty every single time and even today I feel the same happiness and pride, I had felt before." 

Mr. Negi, he doesn't need glasses but is hard of hearing. He is an old man and even so he walks to the polling station every single time to vote. By far he has voted 15 times for the Lok Sabha and 11 times for the Vidhan Sabha elections.

Read more at: http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/meet-shyam-negi-independent-indias-first-and-oldest-voter/1/223616.html

Seeing a person like him makes me question. It makes me question about us, the first generation Indian voters, are we playing our part? Are we taking up the responsibility of making this nation strong and united?

We all know that most of us have already lost hope in India. Many of us feel like nothing can be done. Many of us sit at home on the voting day with the "India ka kuch nahi ho sakta" attitude and bawl about how badly India is degrading. We try and count the number of uncountable murders and rapes taking place in various parts of our country and complain about how these murderers and rapists are not put into trial. We loath the Indian police for failing to take responsibility and stand as the voice and protector of the innocent. We feel helpless looking at the powerful who like to gamble with the lives of the underprivileged. We seldom feel like a sheep, our hands and legs tied up with an iron chain, being muted by the throat and a butcher slaying us slowly, one tiny stoke at a time. Each day we bleed, pain stricken and voiceless, our hearts full of fear and misery. We are slowly dying and the only solution we come up with is to get out of this country as soon as we can to live a better life, in search for a voice and the democracy we have been denied. 

They say, India is the largest democracy in the world and that the Constitution of India is the longest constitution in the world. It proclaims to be a sovereign, democratic and republic but being a first generation voter myself, whatever happened to these proclamations I wonder.

Nothing can be done to this country...So why should we vote, you ask?? 

Well, today I'm not only talking about my views and opinions but I'm also backing myself up with some facts. I request you to understand that if we do not step up today, tomorrow will be too late to take action. 

According to the Association for Democratic Reform (ADR), India the following facts have surfaced: 

In this diagram we are able to see that in the Lok Sabha there are a total of 543 MPs out of which 162 MPs have pending criminal cases against them. That makes about 30% of MPs corrupt in the Indian parliament.

                              

In this diagram we are able to see that in the Vidhan Sabha or the State assemblies, out of 4032 MLAs about 1264 have pending criminal cases against them. That makes about 31% MLAs corrupt in the state assemblies.

                

Now you might probably wonder if these criminals who decide the way we should live our lives have been punished or not. My friend, the answer is NO. All these criminals who are given the utmost right of making laws in this country, who are chosen to bring justice in India are themselves criminals in the eyes of justice. They have not only violated some major rules and regulations of this country but also have done some serious offenses like: 

                                                       

The shock and the irony of it all is that these criminals who are charged with all of the above mentioned serious offenses only have mere charges framed against them but no FIR have been registered in their name. Now you can imagine if this is the state of Indian government and the law makers of this country are the corrupted ones themselves than how can the normal people looking for justice ever get justice?                                            

Be the voice!!

I remember as a child I used to read in the books that India is a developing country. 21 years of my life has gone by but even now India is still developing. The Gross National Income of India is 4.749 trillion PPP dollars and out of 180 countries in the world India ranks 53 from below. During election time we complain about the corrupted using their money power to buy votes through their vote banks. They promise to give mobile phones, refrigerator, color tv, washing machines. Hell! they even go to the extent of paying off all the bills of an household in order to get their votes. They normally target the poor underprivileged parts of our society. Another fact, according to the World Bank, about 32.7% of India population fall below poverty line of US$ 1.25 ( i.e. 75.01 INR) per day while 68.7% live on less than US$ 2 (120.01 INR) per day. 

Facts like these are insane and makes me wonder that if these leaders are actually gaining from and taking advantage of the poorer groups of the society by forcefully taking away their fundamental rights then why on earth would they ever think of developing these parts of the society? People being poor is an advantage to them so they can mute their voices and take away their most basic fundamental right through money power!

Change cannot be bought at once, change is a gradual process. If you want to change the system than be the system. Be the voice and make a change. Make people aware, organize campaigns, impart free education and awareness to the less fortunate sectors of India. To the children, to the youth and to the old. When we are aware, we can make others aware. I know its not an easy affair but it is definitely possible. If only 1 person out of 10 vote, than how can we expect a change?? Is it even logical?? If 10 out of 10 people vote than we can ignite a tiny spark. Another 10 people's vote will ignite another tiny spark and slowly, if each and every one of us make our voices heard we will create a fire. A fire of change. 

Is it understandable now? How much one vote is worth? How much of a difference one vote can make? How much potential we have as voters to make a change in the Indian map? Elections are approaching, there is an immense stress on the importance of choosing the correct leaders. Please let us pledge to vote friends, its now or never. If you've ever watched the movie V for Vendetta you'll understand this: "Isn't it that beneath this wrinkled well-fed exterior there lies a dangerous killing machine, with a fetish for Fawkesian mask, viva la revolución!"

Be the change. Make the change. Vote.

LIFE AND DEATH

  We seem so afraid,
To do the things we never tried.
Trapped in a small cage,
Conquered by lust, lured by faith,
We move back and forth,
To a grey square box we call life.

Each new day a candle dies,
Like breath taken away from our lives.
We become so petrified of a feeling,
A feeling so undeniable.
Our very existence is questionable,
A mere dewdrop they say,

And yes a prayer put across in reverence,
in tongues with the Lord, and then we stay.

Concealed by a mask so brave, 

A man full of misguided disguise,

In a heart so cowardly,

In a corner so cold.

We are stoned, dead inside,

Infested by fear so deep,
that our souls tremble and quiver,
we stealthily bleed : a silent lamb

A long, cold, slow, death,
and a breath is taken away.

We live but never dare,
To face our planned destiny unmoved by prayers.

Something like life, a gift, a journey,
Something that cant be replaced, but remembered
Something like us, we're born,we die.. 

But what happens in between??
Wont you live it but once!

Memories

Someday, some sweet winter day

I'll unwillingly pass away

I'll have nothing much to say

I'll unwillingly fade away.

Leaving the memories of you and I, within your mind

And if you seek inside would you find?

Would you see the way I used to smile?

Although we'll be separated by thousand miles.

For you life would be hard, I know plainly

Your mind would be beaming with curiousity

Your heart would be crying stealthily

And in littlest things you'll remember my courtesy.

You'd remember the times we shared 

Miss my love, miss the way I cared

At times you'd feel the presence of me

Remember my face and feel lonely

Would you remember the way, I used to say, 

The words of love to keep you near?

The way I used to look into your eyes and lay 

Rest my head on your shoulder when I feared

Will you glimpse my reflection in the mirrors?

And bind my images into your memory

Would you perceive me in your dreams?

And the moments we lingered around joyfully 

Sometimes I wonder 

If I could find a way to stay with you forever

And never leave you alone in this broken world

But dearest, somethings just happen untold.   

Nothing can be more daunting than the fear of losing a loved one but dearest, love is eternal and it will remain forever like a burning ray of hope over the rainbow.. It will remain forever following you where ever you go, like the brightest star shining in the clear dark sky... Won't you believe me..? Won't you believe in love..?? 

Habits - The Good and Bad in Me

Habits are hard to break. I remember as a child I always slept with my belly down and back up. I'd hold on to my pillow from underneath it with my left hand and turn my head towards the right. I usually slept with my face facing, total emptiness or a wall. Somehow, it gave me a sense of "Peace" and "Freedom of Sleep", so I could make as many or as little expressions I wanted, unknowingly as I slept (a funny concept). If somebody would sleep next to me I generally wouldn't face that way. I have felt this exact same way over all the past years growing up and continue with the same routine every night and feel no less different. When morning came, the first thing I'd do is to get up and go straight to the mirror and comb my hair. I'd throw an usual "it's a new day" smile at the mirror and it reflected right back at me. I was always happy. I loved (still love) sleeping late, to be honest, I'm not a morning person at all. Came Sundays, I'd sleep my ass off but until weekends (my glory days) came, mum always patrolled me and made sure I get up by 6 a.m. every morning.  Some days when i was reluctant to obey her morning call, she'd purposely switch off the darn fan and in the hot summer days, I had no option but to get the hell up!! I have a typical Asian family and what I mean by this is regardless of the weather, whether there was a hailstorm outside or raining cats and dogs or crazy hot, I had to go to school. Period. As a kid, my Mum dropped me off to the bus stop every morning. In 7th grade I won the "Cent Percent Attendance Award". It was an achievement for being present every single day of Academic year 2005-2006 (Holy cow!! how did I manage to do that when now I bunk at least one class everyday!!). Come to think of it, my mum has always been my rock and even though I hated being forcefully dragged to school, she always wanted the best for me.

                                                                             

I remember when we were toddlers in kinder garden they'd ask us to write cursive writing on those one of a kind thin booklets with a pencil. We had to make sure that every letter was written exactly the same way as the top most example sentence. Soon when I went to middle school I was so glad because we were introduced to write with a pen.. (oh the joy of being a kid..!!). Writing with a pen was a tremendous deal for me. I would ask my mum or dad to take me to the stationary shop at least twice a week so I could buy a pen of my choice. I had this crazy collection of Chinese "Wing Sung" fountain pens. I had them of different nip variants and colors. The white ones were the prettiest . The unusual thing about writing with a pen was, I'd normally put the cap of the pen on top of the pen and start writing. It was pretty unusual because the other kids in my class and my friends, everybody I knew but a very few wrote the way I wrote. Surprisingly, I still write the same way as before and when I'm questioned I simply say "That's just my Thang!!" with a smile. Also, I am very sure only a few people go haywire and totally nuts, when they walk into the stationary store (Staples/Crossword/Landmark) and I'm sure a very few kids would choose a pen over a bag of chips or chocolate. Poor me, not just any other shopaholic but a 'stationary' one. I guess its nothing to be ashamed of..? Don't judge me right away guys, needless to say, like every other girl even I love dressing up and going crazy over clothes and accessories and I hate meeting people when I'm not properly dressed. Not even God could change that (lol).

I've always had bad habits and gradually I have come to tame them. You see, I have always been healthy all my life. What I mean by that is as a kid I was one of those who fell in the chubby lot. While growing up, all through school years, even though I was eating a lot I kept myself (well somewhat) fit by playing a lot of sports amongst which basket ball, taekwondo  and badminton were my favorite. Me and my team mates would stay back after school and practice everyday. Some days I had taekwondo classes even at night, in a local stadium, where my teacher taught us all together. My teacher was very dear to me. He was the one who taught me "Kako, learn to say no!". Nonetheless, I'd go back home and gulp  2000 cal, or more, there was no problem. Dog days were soon over when I was officially done with school and I stopped playing all the sports. Things were not the same. It took me a while to understand that I couldn't eat as much as I wanted any more. I couldn't throw my temper tantrums by impulsive eating anymore. To be honest, I am a very moody person and when I'm angry or sad, it doesn't take me too long to step out of my house with my messy hair and PJ's and get myself a whole box pizza or fling a burger or two or drink a liter of coke, all on my own. Needless to say, food is one of my favorite things in the world. So, just to avoid that (impulsive eating), it takes me a lot of patience and self understanding, self consoling and "is it all worth it?" pointers to bring me back down to my normal state. If I'm at home I either go off to sleep or take a soothing bath and if I'm out, I just walk away from the scene causing my disruptive emotions. That's probably the easiest thing to do and it works for me. I calm my self down with a cup of green tea and soon I'm back to normal. I know I can't break my bad habits but I sure try and prevent myself from situations that might lead them to occur. The same goes for people turning to alcohol for comfort rather than food. In my opinion, obsessions are bad habits and can be very dangerous. Have an obsession only if you know how to control it. The problem is, most of the time, obsession controls you rather than you controlling it. 

Over the years I have come to realize that people surrounding a person definitely, a cent percent,  contribute in the habit making process of that person. If you have been through rough times growing up like me, if you've had bad times in the family or school, if you didn't get along very well with your friends in your teens, you've been through bad break ups in the past and have seen constant hardships, whatever the reason is, we probably share this same 'impulsive eating disorder' as they fancily say. We are sensitive to situations and fragile on the inside but tough on the outside. To be honest, I think we are the most understanding people on earth. We can relate to other people, understand their nature and are sometimes judgmental but that's just for our own sake and now that we are what we are, I'm sure most of us are likable and trustworthy. That's just us, as much as the world tried to pull us down we continued to stand back up again. There is a reason why we are alive and that reason is solely us. So, be proud of being you. Say thanks to those people who meant you harm, that you stand like an unshakable concrete wall against them unbreakable and strong.

                                                       

I truly believe, the day you'll start living out of intention rather than habit will be the day you'll truly be happy. As for my good habits are concerned I wouldn't change a thing (haha) and my bad habits, I'm only concerned with preventing them for occurring. So carry on with your good attributes and work on your bad ones. Choose and intent to be a better person everyday not just for the people who matter but most importantly for YOU. This is the way I see life and these are the good and bad in

me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

                                                   

SHE

She was born,

Wrapped in a grey veil.

She arrived, beyond any anticipation,

They wiped her mother's blood off of her naked body,

That endless night, stars shone and constellations fell into place.

Smoke stealthily hazed her vision,

From a never ending cigarette her kin had lit. 

That was supposed to be an endless night.

No flowers fell down the sky, but dying autumn leaves and cold, cold breeze. 

Sleeping silently, in her mother's warm arms she lay.  

The time came right, 

Her mother abandoned her impassively.

Left her alone, along with the helpless lot.

She was just a month old.  

A baby girl they said, was beautiful and bright. 

What could she do, did she even know?? 

How to smile, how to cry, how to eat, how to speak??

She could barely crawl. 

Time passed by, an orphanage had her.

She was only 12 years old. 

She made friends, she learned to smile,

She worked hard and slept when she could. 

Nobody saw her yet she was seen. 

She taught herself how to read 

She knew she could make it big

As tears ran down her olive skin

She heard the voices in head scream.

No, it wasn't a scream, it was a screech,

Screeching silently her obscure, torn apart heart

Still managed to radiate an undying smile,

She still bore an ever lasting flame.

Buried deep within her heart she hoped,

Blood ran down her veins she dared,

Dying yet breathing her beating heart, she ran,

She ran as far as the eyes could see and beyond,

Beyond the fallen snowflakes and mist.

She promised to herself that she'd run,

She'd run until her heart stopped beating.
The girl, i knew was a caterpillar back than,

The girl i know now is a butterfly, she flew,

She still flies..

She'll forever fly..

This was one of my humble attempts to write a poem. As you can see I'm not very good at it. Back at school I used to write a lot of poems but I never showed them to anybody. Last winter when I went home I was really happy and surprised when my mother showed me all the poems and stuff I had written. She had collected and saved them up in a bundle. It was an emotional moment. 
To a mother her child is her everything and vice versa. Every little thing.. his/her clothes, books,10th and 12th grade school farewell shirts with his/her friends autograph on it.. Every big or little thing of her child is of value to her. I simply hope and pray that not under any circumstance, a child is ever abandoned. I wish that every child gets all the love that he/she deserves.